How Backpacking Helped Me Challenge Compulsive Exercising Behaviors

For many years, I would set my alarm hours before my first appointment or class of the day in order to get up and run three miles on the exact same route EVERY SINGLE morning with zero exceptions or deviations. I completed this exact same routine every day rain or shine, no matter how late I went to bed the night before or my energy level. If a friend invited me to an exercise class with them, I would STILL need to complete my morning run in part because skipping would generate anxiety, and in part because I had a fear that the fitness class might not be “challenging enough”. This fitness routine was in NO WAY rooted in actual health or wellness and it was not designed to make me stronger or work towards any specific fitness goals- it was all about controlling my body, focusing on outcomes, and avoiding change. During the peak of my eating disorder, my relationship with exercise transitioned from a genuine love of movement and athletics, to compulsive exercise focused on weight loss and relieving anxiety.